A part of me is rotting, its becoming hollow again, each waking day, causing this black hole within me to grow, making it harder for me to hide all my emotions, making it harder for me to control my emotions. A part of me is dying and as the pressure builds for me to be great, i figure out that mentally I am not as smart as my gpa says I am. I work to be on the same level as the scholars of my grades but come any state test and the kid who never comes to school does better than me. My brain is not equipped for it, never has been, test never showcased my best abilities but in the world we live in, that’s all that matters. This thought alone eats at me, knowing that no matter how hard I try, i will always fall whether it be mental or physical, i will always fall.
A part of me gave up, A part of me is done. Another part of me is awoken, it is the part of me that gets out of bed in the morning and continue a dreadful routine that the other part of me can no longer handle. This part of me can smile and laugh and unless someone is really peering into my soul, they can never tell that I’m falling. They can never tell inside, i am drowning in worry, in sorrow, in love, in everything and i gave up on fighting a while ago, A part of me is slowly dying and I find that more comforting than anything. The thought of having all this pressure fall away, the thought of never waking is so much more comforting than waking up again and having to deal with another day, to deal with another person, to hide another emotion, to shed another tear behind close doors. I wish the pain, the anxiety, the worry, the sadness,would just go away but it won’t. It never will, it’s been part of me since i could understand my emotions and at times i can overpower the emotions and subdue them but they always lurk in the background waiting for me to feel helpless again and it swallows me whole again. I am tired of fighting depression, I am tired of trying to be socially acceptable, I am tired of chasing a dream. i just want to be, whatever that means. Because a part of me is rotting and soon it will die then the other part of me will do the same and I will become the old Bianca again who has to go to therapy. That doesn’t scare me anymore at least i will feel like im not the only one. .